sunshine and rope swings

12.05.2004

i never would have opened up but you seemed so real to me.

i don't know what it is about today. or maybe it's the fact that i may actually be applying some of my self-growth-help-development stuff to my life. or maybe i'm just too tired and exhausted to swallow it today. tonight, rather.

i had my feelings hurt a lot tonight. to the point that even after i'd gone outside for a smokeless smoke break and done my new deep breathing exercised for several minutes, i still couldn't stop those goddamn tears from spilling over and sliding into my hurt. the details aren't really important - but it did concern bob, and even more so, jody. i eventually shook off most of it after a few hours, and even came home and woke bob up to have a conversation about it. i didn't want to go to bed upset.....and for once i actually opened my mouth and asked a few questions and said what i needed to say. but i'm still somehow shaken about it.

why am i always so afraid of admitting that people have hurt me? or that i'm upset or disappointed or what have you?? so many times i try, i sit and try to formulate thoughts in my head...but then, all of a sudden, i seem to have missed my internal deadline to answer the query and therefore just shake my head or just stay silent....i don't understand. i can see myself doing it. i can see my thoughts....they float like these demons in my head...and if i were to just let them out, things would be fine...but somehow i can't subject anyone to any kind of attack...as mild and valid as it may be.

ok. i've spent the last hour being open....with others and with myself. i don't think i want any feedback concerning this...

jel | 3:48 AM | Comment(s)