5.14.2005
once upon a time i had control...and reigned my soul in tight...
i had my whole day planned out. i was excited because this saturday was going to be filled with many things and a variety at that..commencement with hillary at agnes and my friend jessica as my date (who is moving to austin in 2 weeks), and then the kirkwood spring festival with jess and emily where we drank beer at 11:30, it's saturday and i have nothing but a day of activities and a little homework to look forward to..and then i came home for a few hours and had time with the dogs and took a little nap and read my book and talked to a friend from high school that i hadn't talked to in 5 years and then it was time to go volunteer so i went to the oakhurst wine crawl and poured wine for 2 1/2 hours and met some new people and saw others that i knew and even got a coupon for a free half-hour reading from the woman who owns the store that i was pouring in and then i ran an errand and came home and have a few hours until the next fun activity of the day - bill's birthday party. and so i decide to do a little house-hunting and to relax some more because i can feel this migraine haunting the back of my eyes. and so i do, i love on the animals, i fill up the windshield fluid in my car, i load the dishwasher, i pick up my book again, i put on a dar williams play list. scout curls up against my side and loves me with that powerful and pure love that only animals and small children are capable of. and after reading for a while, i'm overcome with this wave of sadness. this thing that rears up and makes me choke on my breath and has me blinking back tears. so i get up and take chloe out to pee in the front yard in an effort to push it back, to get rid of it because this has been a great day - i've seen people i never see, i got to spend time with a friend who's leaving, the weather was glorious, i got to give to the community, it's been a great day. but i'm back inside. and i can't shake it. and i have to let the thought in -- there's been this day full of fun things for me to see and enjoy but bob's part in it will be getting the recap at the end of the night when i'm already tired and just wanting to curl up and sleep. and that thought leads to the realization that although i've been able to interact with friends, acquaintances, and new strangers all day, i haven't been able to share in any of these things with someone close to me, the closest person to me. and all the random and non-everyday things i do in life that are that way, bob can't be a part of. and i can see now that it affects me. it's eating at me. but what can i do? and there is no one i could even call or go and see who could make it ok and make me smile and laugh away the tears. i really think the only person who has ever been consistently good at doing that is pony. and pony lives so far away and lives a different life now. and i don't even think i want someone to make it better. i just want it to be tomorrow, when i get to spend the day with bob, enough good time together to make this stupidity and sadness in my head go away.
i think i'm going to go groom the dogs now..you can't help but love them when they smile at you and stare with puppy dog eyes.....
jel | 7:46 PM | Comment(s)
|
