sunshine and rope swings

6.04.2004

i almost forgot...more dreams...the wedding part makes sense as jody and i went over to fontaine's for a drink with ryan, elizabeth, and jenn last night after i closed t'mac...and jenn was telling the bartender all about her marriage plans and the mexican resort she's chosen...but that's where the sense ends.
it was her wedding i think. or we were there because of her. or perhaps she was there and we were there and it was just coincidence...i think that it was all three at different points in the dream....and then i was in a room with the bridesmaids after the ceremony, drinking, keeping quiet and to the back because i didn't know any of them...and they befriended me...or included me at least...and then she breezed back in and after mentioning it to one of the bridesmaids, it passed like wildfire to the rest...and i felt like shrinking, to nothing...and i felt wracked by this horrible guilt that it was my fault there were sneers on these women's faces...that the happiness of the preceding minutes had fallen off a precipice...as a result of my presence...so i tried to get out...to stop bringing forth the ugliness...but i couldn't leave, couldn't find bob..he'd disappeared somewhere and was ignoring phone calls...finally returned, with her following, triumphant....and he looked through me....

day to day, i never have these thoughts....but the dreams...they are so full of hurt...and i always feel that i am its catalyst.

jel | 8:59 PM | Comment(s) 0 comments

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