sunshine and rope swings

7.14.2004

after all the bullshit i've heard...

upon some wakings-up, i get slapped in the face with how my random dreams are so very subconsciouly tied to what's going on within my mind...and those moments of lucidity make me want to decipher all the other dreams..and what the interplay is between them and my current state...

all week, i've been searching/striving to dispel negative thoughts - and wishing that i had one of those girlfriends to call up and ever-so-casually talk about feelings of insecurity, hurt feelings, etc...like you see on tv - sex and the city, ally mcbeal - you know, those kind of girlfriends....and not only have i been trying to sort through above-stated feelings, but i've also realized i don't have a girlfriend that fits that mode....and i don't divulge things that are too close anyway...not to anyone....and if i happen to do so, it's on rare occasion and never fully what i mean to say...

and this i've realized more so this week, especially after waking up from the nightmares of last night [it's not me, this is the last meeting, over-the-shoulder]...but the question remains, what am i afraid of? or, perhaps to better state it, why do i feel so vulnerable? it feels like a shyness of sorts...but no one would describe me as shy...or fearful...or even insecure in myself...in fact, i think most would laugh at the mere mention of those adjectives and "jelena"...

so, as always, i've convinced myself that the whole thing was silly to begin with, and that i shouldn't be so sensitve, and to just bury it all....i just need to be validated..

_______________________________________________________________________________

back to life - scout is here curled up on the papazan next to me...adorable as ever. the dogs (and i) are waiting for bob to come home so we can go run...and then sushi for dinner...i went to the candler park pool today - it was nice to make myself undergo mandatory relaxation...even though i now have to go dive into loads of laundry and the cleaning of the bathroom...
additions to kitten names ~ jack, walter, eddie, j'kar - i don't think any of those will make the short list..but i am, as ever, still taking suggestions.

jel | 7:00 PM | Comment(s) 0 comments

0 Comments: