9.27.2007
yesterday afternoon, in the doctor's waiting room, around 3:30, i just started to cry. i thought maybe it was because i was stressed about the procedure, or maybe it was the anniversary of noah's death..but then i realized it was a day away. but i felt this overwhelming wave of sadness. i decided it was hormonal and wiped my tears away because i was scared the doctor and nurse would think i was upset about the IUD and that somehow had 2nd thoughts about this "more permanent" birth control and would then refuse to give it to me (the mind of an emotional woman)....
and then i went home, and to keep my mind off the pain, bob and i cooked like crazy. 2 batches of fresh blueberry muffins (the next door neighbors had their baby on tuesday and i wanted to leave fresh food for them so when they came home today they would have things to eat) - 1 set of muffins for the neighbors, 1 set to bring to work and share with stressed coworkers who had a software release today. a pan of the yummy jalapeno cornbread. a crockpot of the fabulous turkey chili. chopping and portioning a cantaloupe. washing and portioning grapes. chopping and portioning 2 blocks of cheese (this portioning thing is so i can bring snacks to work and therefore make myself eat more throughout the day..this stupid medication and lack of appetite thing is not fun and i'm trying to get myself to eat more). and then bob made home-made crab cakes and garlic broccoli. yes, we cooked a LOT last night.
well i finally sat down to check e-mail and there was bad news. a co-worker hospitalized and another has had a bad family emergency (possibly a death). i instantly felt deflated and instantly thought - "what's the 3rd?" things in threes. i'm not superstitious. i don't usually jump to think of things in threes. but without skipping a beat that's what i thought last night. i e-mailed steven to see how monica was. she's still ok.
and then this morning, i got a call from juliet. and mrs. pat, andy's mom and our neighbor for 16 years was killed in a car wreck yesterday. you feel helpless in situations like this. i can't imagine their pain, the shock.
somehow, i avoided death for almost 26 years...never had people i knew die, didn't have to face death or even have to consider what death meant to me and what its impact would be. and this year, it's been hard. it's been life-changing. noah was the first. noah will likely be one of the most impactful people in my life to die - our childhood and our friendship defined in very large part who i am today, and even in death, noah continues to shape me - somehow through this tragedy, he led me back to his family....how i lost them, i don't know...and probably can't forgive myself for that....but we can't change the past and can only impact the future, and the living.
even if every day of the rest of 2007 continues to bring hardship and death to those around me, i can only help make the lives of those who are here happier and lighter and easier...and that's what i have to hold and remember...and to use the lessons and memories of those who are gone in helping me on that journey...
jel | 10:36 AM | Comment(s)
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